I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
