you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
