Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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