Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
