The maid of honor just puked.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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