Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
