HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
