No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
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Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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