Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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