soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
