I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
