We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
