So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
