there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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