I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
