well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
