I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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