Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
