So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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