Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him laugh his dick is mine
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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