I'm pants shitting drunk right now
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
