Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
