my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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