i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
