just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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