i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
