grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
