ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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