Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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