Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
