even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize