my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
