I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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