Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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