My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
