When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
the liver wants what the liver wants
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i think i just lost a toe
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
