I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
