I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
