He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
