i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
