God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
