i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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