I want to make a zoo with you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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