her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
