I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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