Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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