Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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