I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
