It was confusing and full of hummus
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
