Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
