You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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