I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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