I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
