I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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