i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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