I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
